Counting Down To July 31st

So, it's going to be "MY" day in less than 12 hours. I'll add another number in my age. I thank life for all the gifts and pains, the bitter and the sweet, successes and failures. No matter how I've been trying as hard to learn the good side of each failure.

For all these things I treasure:

Each second of heartbeat

Each breath : inhale and exhale

A sane mind

An awareness of life

Each morning wake up

Each night sleep

A job

Works

Family: Mom, my beloved late Dad, caring cousins

Friends

Loves for me

Love of me for others

Monthly salary

Money

Saving

Bills

Belongings

Health

Sickness

Knowledge

Chance for learning

Dates

Breakups

Tears

Joy

Laughter

Meals

Water

Free air

Technology

Internet

Depressing internet connection

mIRC

Yahoo Messenger

Post Office

Mobile phone

Cellular provider

A normal woman's body

Each precious moment

And all the other things I can't remember.

Some goals haven't been achieved, but some precious things happen unexpected. And I thank for each of those.

Happy birthday to me.

Oh, July!

So here comes July. My very month. So I thought I should write something to fill up my July blog entry. It’s a limp excuse, but, I do want to write something because I love Julys.

Joe celebrated his birthday on July 1^st. Canada day, too… so I guess the entire Canada celebrated his birthday, because at the same time they celebrated themselves too. Happy Birthday, Joe, and Happy Birthday Canada! Wish you both the very best.

The 2^nd of July. Such a long day at work. There was this family gathering for all the staff and their families in the brand new swimming pool. So there were kids of the co-workers, wives and husbands, games, prizes and everything. I was almost the only one wasn’t wet. I said, almost. I was almost successful in escaping from being thrown into the pool by the co-workers, when they finally threw a bucketful of water onto me while I was watching the water polo match. I was soaking wet and I didn’t bring dry clothes. Thanks to Steve, such a nice kid, he lent me his dry shirt. Though it was too big for me, at least, I didn’t have to tremble on my way home because of the wetness and the night wind.

However, I broke my own heart that night. It was very emotional. I can’t say any word of it, I only hope to have my heart back.

Another Cancerian’s birthday. It was Endah’s, my cousin. On the 3^rd. I do have some these Cancerians surrounds me. Sometimes when I pause to observe, there are so many Cancers and Leos I know. Perhaps the most in the amount.

Another big, or perhaps the biggest, and the most happening Cancerian is The United States of America, of course, who has just celebrated her 232^nd birthday on the 4^th! Happy Independence Day, and well… happy birthday, America! Speaking of the name itself, America, it reminds me of America Ferrera, the lead actress, Betty Suarez in the Golden Globe Winning Series “Ugly Betty”, one of my favourite TV series.

America Ferrera, just as her character, Betty Suarez, is a descendant of Mexican immigrants in USA, sowing her American dream in the land of dream for many people. So, America, the United States, I wish you understand how meaningful your name may sound to millions of people.

The day I wrote this journal, 5^th of July, is marked with a soft color in my calendar, just as every 5^th of the month. And this 5^th is the 4^th 5. Unfortunately, I don’t have a chance to celebrate it. However, I do thank for the day, 4 months ago.

Badminton! Yay! I finally did it Saturday morning with Popin. After ummm…. 20 years didn’t play? Yikes. I thought I wouldn’t able to play it, but I was! I was still able to play it. It was quite fun.

And still…I’m looking forward to another birthday. A Leonine’s birthday. Mine. At the end of the month.

Questions I'd Like To Ask

If there are questions I can ask...

Why should I met a man whom I could not be with?

Why should he have all the things I had been looking for?

He had brighten up my days,

He has painted my nights,

I had to do nothing to please him. Just be there, talked to him.

Why could we not just be friends, even though we had worked hard to be?

We cared about each other more than the way two friends supposed to care about.

We missed each other more than the way two friends supposed to miss.

We wanted each other more than the way two friends supposed to want.

But once, we had to pause and look at what we had done.

We shouldn't have been with each other, the way we have been.

We had made things complicated.

Simply by caring about each other.

I might probably had made things complicated.

Simply by showing up in his life,

When he should have been with the one he was supposed to be with.

Another question I'd like to ask...

Why can I not be a selfish?

When I should have been one.

To fight my own need.

To should not give up and let things go.

And, the last question I'd like to ask...

Why was time not on my side?

Once In My Life

Once in my life…

I got so much.

I saw a firing. I typed the letters. The firing letters. With all thanks and appreciations to the salespeople. With all regrets that the company should reduce the overhead cost, they could only keep the crucial ones.

It hurt me to type their names. It hurt me to call them one by one. It hurt me to spend my last lunchtime with them. It hurt me to recall the moments I have shared with them.

It was bitter. But they said it was something normal. Normal thing to happen at work. In profit-oriented companies. In sales world. But it hurts me. It hurts me to accept the fact.

I gave my hugs to them. But I guess hugs weren’t enough.

Then, I had an accident. My feet were burnt. I was careless. I couldn’t go to work. I stayed home, in pain. I shed a tear. Regretting the stupid mistake I have made. But did I learn something. I learned to be more careful.

Later, I had to put aside something precious. It's probably called "my happiness".

I had to learn to have a bigger heart. I had to learn this lyric of a song, “I know they say if you love somebody, you should set them free. Sure it’s hard to do.” Ronan Keating sings it perfectly, with his perfect voice.

We cried a lot. But it hurt me more that he cried.

That he said he cared about me, I've heard that from so many men. That he said he didn't want to lose me, neither did I. That he asked me to remain a good friend of his, he didn't have to ask. That he said he was thankful that I have stolen his heart, so was I. But one thing he didn't know, he has filled up a tiny piece of space in my heart with sunshine. A space where you put all your hopes and faiths and sacrifices in. Not with his beauty. Not with the moment he had shared with me. It was with him making me smile and feel precious.

Now I can’t imagine how would my days and nights be without him. Even now I’ve already felt a half of my soul fades. A bitter thing I learn as I grow up, I have learned not to be selfish. I’m not an angel, who can let it go easily. But sometimes in life I can’t be a total devil. And this time I shouldn’t be. I can’t always have what I want.

Once again, I shed another liter of tears.

Once in my life, I got too much. And I hope I got no more.

To Joe-chan.

What Becomes Of The Broken Hearted

I remember this Paul Young’s old hit. I was 11 years old then, was so into music charts—Casey’s Top 40 by Casey Kasem, US Top 40, Billboard Hot 100—and loved the tune of the broken heart song. Lately, I've just realized that this was not really an original song by Paul Young, in other words, Paul Young was one of the covers. This song was originally of Jimmy Ruffin - whoever he was - and I said one of, because there were many other covers (thanks to Wikipedia): Diana Ross & The Supremes (1969), Dave Stewart (1981), Robson & Jerome (1996), Joe Crocker (1998), Vonda Shepard (1999), Westlife (2000), Joan Osborne and The Funk Brothers (2002), The dB'd (2005), even a German band called Blue Lagoon (2007).

What is so interesting with a broken hearted? Today, while having lunch with some co-workers, I also discussed about broken hearted.

This might not be an amusing topic, but I’m sure almost everyone has been broken hearted even just once.

My life is not that broken heart free either—as if broken hearts were like sugar: Diet coke, sugar free!—not at all. I recall there were several times I was broken hearted. Some need a quick recovery, some take such a long time.

I remember one of my broken heart moments. It was a sweet boy with a genuine smile and sincere eyes. He was almost perfect. I said, almost. Except that he was unpredictable, and I couldn’t play guessing game anymore. It wasn’t because I was mad, I just thought that this kind of relationship did not suit us. I could not pretend that everything was ok when it actually wasn’t. I don’t think I should force myself into something that I am not able to.

I was broken hearted. Even though I made the decision in a total consciousness, in my perfect healthy condition, but still, knowing that I was losing moments we used to share together, the comforting words, the affection … it did take lots of tears!

A broken heart. What happens to it? When all the sweet things become bitter. When all the curiosities and excitements become boredom. When two different worlds are getting further and further and seems no single way on earth to unite. When the sparks are gone. When the fire fades away. When a small error becomes a big fatal fault. When all the perfect things become mistakes. You’re near but you seem on the other side of the world.

Then it leaves a pain inside your chest. Tears come without you exactly know how they start.

A broken heart. Sometimes another heart is the winner. Sometimes all are losers. But I guess it’s every lover has to go through. I might say it’s a phase of a relationship a couple might or might not face. It leaves us lessons to learn what to fix, what to change, and… it is not easy.

Some other references of broken heart songs (aiyaa...) :

1. Other Side Of The World - KT Tunstall

2. Someday We'll Know - New Radicals / Mandy Moore and Jonathan Foreman

3. Go On Girl - Ne Yo

4. The Long Goodbye - Ronan Keating

5. Can't Cry Hard Enough - William Brothers

This list does not recommend Queen's Love of My Life, because I'm suspecting it to stimulate the desire for committing suicide of a broken hearted person.

Lord...I'm Tired

Lord...I'm tired of faking this smile
I'm tired of taking care of these demanding people
I'm tired of doing this complicated work
I'm tired with this feudalism and bullshitism

Lord...I'm tired of convincing people I'll be fine
That I only need time
I'm tired of telling myself everything's gonna be okay

Lord...I wont mind having these hard days
Just to touch the face of an angel
Lying down on the sand, feeling the breeze
And assure myself he knows that I care about him

Lord...I dont tell you everyday what I wish for
But I'm sure You've known before I do

Lord...You've made this earth so big
I wish You could make it smaller
And everything's easier