Day 2. Reminiscing The Old Days

We started the day a bit late. Not so late that we didn’t have breakfast. No, not that late. We did have breakfast, and that was the time I knew the food in this hotel is also as good as the service.

Both of us had nasi goreng (fried rice – fly lice? No, it’s a Canadian joke), bakmi goreng (fried noodles), extra delicious fried bacon, chicken porridge, and smoked ham. Joe had danish and some other food I don’t remember. I had salad. He had coffee, and I had tea.

The second day in Bali, and practically the first morning I woke up in the Bali mist, nothing I wanted more than just reminiscing my old days in the island – reminiscing the streets I used to walk on, shops I used to shop in, stuffs I used to buy, restaurants I used to eat in, places I used to go to on weekends—and so, that was what we did.

Deciding to be a batik couple in Bali—we thought it would be a great idea, such a complexity: a Canadian and a Javanese in Bali, wearing batik, keeping Yens—we took a taxi to Kuta (of course the hotel provides a shuttle bus to Kuta, but of course we were late!) we decided just to stop somewhere in Kuta, perhaps the monument. But on our way there, we realized that we had been already starving again, and so we decided to just have lunch before anything else.

So, I thought of just stick to the plan, stop somewhere in Kuta and enter any restaurant, but, as the taxi passing Sunset Road, and I saw Jalan Kunti, I suddenly shouted to the driver, “Pak! Ke Jalan Kunti aja, deh, maaf.” And so the driver turned around his taxi and took us to Jalan Kunti, Seminyak, a narrow street where Bali Deli, Elysian Villa, and some restaurants and fashion boutiques are found. A nice area. I knew where we should eat.

I asked the taxi driver to drop us in front of Warung Italia. We were not going to have lunch there, no matter how much I wanted to. We walked passed the Italian restaurant, with its landmark, the Italian flag. Not going to see Antonio and his super delicious spaghetti carbonara this time.

And I found the restaurant. Cabe Rawit. Yanti told me to try this restaurant. So we seated. A series of lunch including appetizer: Lumpia Semarang, main course: sate campur (assorted satays): chicken, beef, mouton, and pork with lontong, Sundanese nasi timbel complete with sambal, lalap (raw vegetables) and ikan asin goreng (fried dried fish), snack: tempe mendoan, dessert: es campur. Green tea for me and beer for Joe.

We were so starving and so greedy that we had no idea of how big the dish would be. First, we ate lumpia. Before we cut the lumpias, I said to my sweetheart, “I can criticize if these lumpias aren’t good, I have the right to do it, because I’m from Semarang.” Lumpia Semarang is undeniably delicious.

The assorted satays were delicious, as well as the peanut sauce. And the lontong. And then nasi timbel, and es campur. Despite the “wrong” lumpia, the meal was good.

We decided to take a walk along Seminyak to Kuta. I knew it sounds crazy, as a matter of fact, I had known the idea might sound insane. But, I wanted to! Who wanted to take a taxi in a super crowded road, trapped in a macet a.k.a traffic jam (it was holiday!), and it was what exactly happened! We watched people trapped in their cars, taxis, motorbikes, and scooters while we walked freely. We felt sorry for them, despite the fact we were sweating.

The streets were the same, only I saw Jalan Nakula is now wider than it was on the last day I was in Bali. And traffic jam in Jalan Abimanyu, was I supposed to be surprise?

It was probably after 10 K walking before we finally reached the First Bali Bomb Monument. I told Joe to check if he knew one of the Canadian victims. Gladly, none of them he knew. Then we rested in Vi-Ai-Pi Bar, seated on its veranda on the second floor. After drink up a large bottle of Evian, Joe and I continued our walking to the beach before the sun set.

We sat on the sand, the sky was gloomy and the beach was full of holiday people. Kuta beach was dirty. Trashes were everywhere we could see along the beach. There were probably a beach storm swept out the fishes and seaweeds and everything you could find. Ladies offering for nail art, foot massage and clamshell necklaces came surround us, and eventhough we weren’t interested at all and just wanted to enjoy the beach and the sunset, they talked to us and told us jokes.

The beach I used to go to almost everyday, morning before work and evening after work, and on the weekends. The sand I used to sit on, watching the sun set in the west before finally disappeared in the ocean, while surfers would jump out of the water soon after. I came back, only that time I wasn’t alone. Not waiting for my housemate, Julie, coming out of the water bringing her surfboard. I was there with my sweetheart, as tourists, waited for none.

After the sky got dark we decided to walk, barefooted, along the beach to Discovery Shopping Mall, a mall by the beach. We did plan to jut walk barefooted, and would wash our feet in the toilet, so that was exactly we did. The first thing we looked for was the mall’s toilet. I was sure that it must have been behind the shoes section, and even if the shoes section had been moved, the toilet would surely not been moved! “It would be a pain in a** to move a toilet,” I told my Love. And so, it was still the same place like the last time I saw. Then, the next thing we said to each other was “See you in 15 minutes.” With an addition from me, “And if you’re thirsty while you’re waiting for me, you can have a cup of water,” pointing at a water dispenser in the corner of the ladies toilet’s door.

Obviously I spent time washing my dirty feet much longer than 15 minutes. And I surely had messed the toilet.

Back to the hotel after Joe shopped for “buy-one-get-one-free” shirt and short, we were as exhausted as anyone could say, and rain poured down that we decided to have a dinner at the hotel’s restaurant. A bowl of Tom Yum Goong and a plate of satay for Joe. We had to discuss how we could go to Ubud the next day.

Returned To The Land Of Gods

Finally. Back to Bali. How I have missed this place since I left it almost three years ago. Six days I spent in this island we call “The Land of Gods”, back to the beaches, the sunset, the crowd, the night life, the culture, in my Christmas and New Year holiday, together with my beloved one, Joe. Here are the remains of the holiday journal.

December 26, 2008.
The Departure : Merapi – Bromo Crater – Bali Strait tour included.

December 26, some people call it boxing day. After two months of preparation, one week of heartbeat, one year of saving (tried as much not to disturb the vacation investment), one and a half day of packing, I finally headed to Jogja, my first gate to the final destination, Bali.

I could feel the atmosphere from the festive event, a day before. Christmas decorations were still hanging, the cards, the cookies, greetings. My bus departed early in the morning, 7.15. I continued my sleep. I barely slept the night before, I woke up at 3 AM, and decided not to go back to sleep.

I looked at my watch as the bus stopped at the bus station. It was 9.40 AM. It would take me only 15 minutes to the airport. I had no idea what I could possibly do in 2.5 hours waiting in the boarding hall, before I would board the plane. I’ve got a boarding pass in my hand, as I checked in the city the day before. Number 7A. Lucky number. I thought it was a good sign.

I canceled the taxi I was going to take, soon after the driver told me the taxi didn’t use meter. He tried to charge me IDR 70,000 to the airport. I said, “Gimme a break. I know Jogja.” I bargained but he didn’t give me a good price, so I decided just to walk a bit and look for a taxi with meter.

Before I stepped any further, a young man offered a motorbike ride. “Sudah, naik ojek saja, Mbak. Saya anter ke airport. Cuma tiga puluh ribu.” He offered me IDR 30,000 as an airport transfer fee. I considered it not bad, as he would carry my suitcase. So, I took the “ojek” ride.

The ojek rider offered me to buy some snacks before I board. But I didn’t think I need snacks. However, he gave me an idea of spending time a bit in Jogja. So, I asked him if he could take me to Jalan Malioboro.

My only destination was Batik Margaria, a shop in the row of hundred of shops in Jalan Malioboro. I saw nice batik ties there several months ago. I thought I might get one for Joe.

And so I did. Instead of one, I took two of which patterns I thought were nicest among all beautiful patterns. One of “udan riris” and another one of “parang” (probably "parang klithik"). I asked the cashier lady to wrap, inserted a greeting card, paid, and got out the shop.

I came to Adisutjipto International Airport around 11 AM, put my only baggage, entered the boarding hall, and waited. Excited and nervous were mixed as I waited in the boarding hall. Joe and I sent text messages to each other and I called my mom.

There were only once or twice in my life though, I didn’t sit on the window seat. And this time, I also had the window seat. I was glad that I could see Bromo crater again, an amazing, amazing view to me. And also the Bali strait. There’s something about Bali strait I’ve always been interested in. It’s green, not deep, and sometimes I can see fishes jump out of the water. And… one thing that’s always been my attraction, is whenever the plane is going to land. It’s good to see Tuban beach from above. I always tell myself, “Ah, that’s the airport.” Literally. Once, the plane bends its body, before you know, you have been able to feel the ground and the next thing you know is that you have landed in Ngurah Rai International Airport.

And the feeling, an indescribable feeling infiltrated my chest (now I become so poetic), and it was that indescribable feeling I felt when I knew the plane landed. Oh, here I come.

The salty air, the hot weather, woken me up that I was really in Bali. As I stepped down the stairs, I could smell the salty and fishy air of Tuban beach, where the airport lies. “Bali, here I am again.”

The airport was still as nice as the last time I was there. Yet, bigger now, which is a good thing.

The smiles of the stewardesses, the tired yet happy looks on the tourists, the impatience of people waiting for their luggage, were nothing to me, compared to my excitement awaiting for me in a matter of seconds.

I got all I had, walked out the exit door, stood there. One second, two, three, my sweetheart hadn’t arrived. And in a moment I turned my head around, and there, I saw him walking, breaking in the crowd, towards me. I waved at him, and he smiled. I was so happy to see him.

Joe got the blue taxi waited for us. The driver was a happy middle-aged chap, talking to my sweetheart all the way from Kerobokan to the airport.

The roads, the streets, the scent of offerings and frangipani flowers, the accent of locals, reminded me of the year I was there. Except that I was surprised to see a complex of synagogues for three religions – a Hindu temple, a Protestant church, and a mosque, built close to each other, in a piece of land near the airport, Tuban.

Joe said that there were traffic jams. I guessed the holiday season was there! People had been coming to Bali waiting for the last day of 2008 and the first day of 2009. Another fact to remind me that I was in Bali!

I had never been or seen Grand Balisani Suites. Heard of it many times, but that was all. I knew its location in Kerobokan just after Joe confirmed about the hotel we were going to stay. Batubelig, Kerobokan, not bad at all, in fact, I long had liked Kerobokan area.

So I passed the street again. Sunset Road, then the Seminyak junction, Australia International School, Enchanted Books, the bookshop I’ve always wanted to show to Joe, and then the Kerobokan junction. That internet café, that Jenny’s Warung, and we stopped in a hotel by the beach.

We arrived at the hotel at last, a resort by the beach. Grand Balisani Suites. Peacefulness and friendliness were the first impressions I had as I got out of the taxi. Furthermore, I liked the room. We had a deluxe garden view suite. No beach we could see from the balcony, but frangipani and coconut trees were in front of our eyes. A spacious bathroom with shower and a bath tub was as nice as the room. I was sure that I would enjoy my stay there right away.

The hotel, Grand Balisani Suites, Batubelig, Kerobokan

The tranquil beach of Batubelig

Ku De Ta

Being together with your sweetheart, what more could you want than having a romantic dinner at Ku De Ta, watching the sun sets in the sea from your table?

And that was what we had wanted, and so that we had made plan, and I had reserved a table at Ku De Ta since the beginning of December. Five PM, as we had wanted to see the sunset before going inside for a dinner.

But what could you possibly do when you’re with the one you love most? Time is never enough. We didn’t want to leave, even for a fabulous dinner in a (perhaps even the most) fabulous restaurant and club in Bali. So I called Ku De Ta to delay our reservation, said that we were coming at 7.00 pm.

So, lazily, I hopped in the shower, then get dressed, did my hair (thanks to my Mom who had taught me how to make a simple and easy hair bun), made up my face, and the most important and prepared: that batik gown. Oh, how I love my batik gown so much.

I grabbed my clutch, wore my shoes, locked the room door, all in a rush as I saw my watch was 10 minutes to 7. And almost running I went downstairs to the lobby where Joe had been waiting for me.

My mom is great. My sweetheart looked at me, speechlessly. I was sure that I was blushing. And we were sure that we wouldn’t make it to Ku De Ta on time. And so I called Ku De Ta once more, trying to delay our reservation 15 minutes later. But no, the reservation lady said. They would not be able to receive any reservation later than 7pm, as they were fully occupied at that moment. And so I had to make an excuse, that our taxi was a bit late and begged them to wait for us another 10 minutes.

Glad that we made it there and seated. I was so glad that they didn’t say, “We’re sorry, we don’t have a table anymore because you were late,” as I saw the restaurant was full. We had perhaps the last empty table.

So, we had those unbelievably extra delicious, tuna steak for me, and lamb steak for my sweetheart. And though I mentioned just ‘tuna steak’ and ‘lamb steak’, they weren’t just tuna steak or just lamb steak. They were incredibly delicious, I can’t express in words. So, I forgot the names of the food we ate, and also what we drank, other than we drank two glasses of a light-alcoholic drink, and Joe had something with chili. Chili! Yes. I’m not kidding. It was really chili. And yes, so I forgot the names of the food and drinks we had on our date, but they were absolutely worth it for above average prices.

So we didn’t get the sunset, but the sea was still beautiful. So after dinner we went down to the beach in the backyard, walked along it, and acted as if we were high school lovers. The breeze blew our hair, and then we didn't care our feet were dirty because of the wet sand, and that the air contained water that could pour anytime in a December evening, we did what the other people were doing, gathering, talking and drinking in the friendly, trendy backyard of Ku De Ta, before finally leaving the most fabulous and trendy club in the island where we had dinner probably worth of two nights stay in a decent hotel.

What a nice way to start a holiday. Nothing could be better. And that was only the beginning.

Counting Down To July 31st

So, it's going to be "MY" day in less than 12 hours. I'll add another number in my age. I thank life for all the gifts and pains, the bitter and the sweet, successes and failures. No matter how I've been trying as hard to learn the good side of each failure.

For all these things I treasure:

Each second of heartbeat

Each breath : inhale and exhale

A sane mind

An awareness of life

Each morning wake up

Each night sleep

A job

Works

Family: Mom, my beloved late Dad, caring cousins

Friends

Loves for me

Love of me for others

Monthly salary

Money

Saving

Bills

Belongings

Health

Sickness

Knowledge

Chance for learning

Dates

Breakups

Tears

Joy

Laughter

Meals

Water

Free air

Technology

Internet

Depressing internet connection

mIRC

Yahoo Messenger

Post Office

Mobile phone

Cellular provider

A normal woman's body

Each precious moment

And all the other things I can't remember.

Some goals haven't been achieved, but some precious things happen unexpected. And I thank for each of those.

Happy birthday to me.

Oh, July!

So here comes July. My very month. So I thought I should write something to fill up my July blog entry. It’s a limp excuse, but, I do want to write something because I love Julys.

Joe celebrated his birthday on July 1^st. Canada day, too… so I guess the entire Canada celebrated his birthday, because at the same time they celebrated themselves too. Happy Birthday, Joe, and Happy Birthday Canada! Wish you both the very best.

The 2^nd of July. Such a long day at work. There was this family gathering for all the staff and their families in the brand new swimming pool. So there were kids of the co-workers, wives and husbands, games, prizes and everything. I was almost the only one wasn’t wet. I said, almost. I was almost successful in escaping from being thrown into the pool by the co-workers, when they finally threw a bucketful of water onto me while I was watching the water polo match. I was soaking wet and I didn’t bring dry clothes. Thanks to Steve, such a nice kid, he lent me his dry shirt. Though it was too big for me, at least, I didn’t have to tremble on my way home because of the wetness and the night wind.

However, I broke my own heart that night. It was very emotional. I can’t say any word of it, I only hope to have my heart back.

Another Cancerian’s birthday. It was Endah’s, my cousin. On the 3^rd. I do have some these Cancerians surrounds me. Sometimes when I pause to observe, there are so many Cancers and Leos I know. Perhaps the most in the amount.

Another big, or perhaps the biggest, and the most happening Cancerian is The United States of America, of course, who has just celebrated her 232^nd birthday on the 4^th! Happy Independence Day, and well… happy birthday, America! Speaking of the name itself, America, it reminds me of America Ferrera, the lead actress, Betty Suarez in the Golden Globe Winning Series “Ugly Betty”, one of my favourite TV series.

America Ferrera, just as her character, Betty Suarez, is a descendant of Mexican immigrants in USA, sowing her American dream in the land of dream for many people. So, America, the United States, I wish you understand how meaningful your name may sound to millions of people.

The day I wrote this journal, 5^th of July, is marked with a soft color in my calendar, just as every 5^th of the month. And this 5^th is the 4^th 5. Unfortunately, I don’t have a chance to celebrate it. However, I do thank for the day, 4 months ago.

Badminton! Yay! I finally did it Saturday morning with Popin. After ummm…. 20 years didn’t play? Yikes. I thought I wouldn’t able to play it, but I was! I was still able to play it. It was quite fun.

And still…I’m looking forward to another birthday. A Leonine’s birthday. Mine. At the end of the month.

Wishing On A Lizard

One of those weird things I did in my childhood was wishing on a lizard.

People would wish on a falling star, in a prayer, but on a lizard…?

That was my cousin’s idea.

I spent many years with Tinuk. We shared childhood and adolescent together, and ceased only after she got married and had to move thousand miles away, in The Netherlands. We shared beautiful dreams, crazy things, and crazy ideas. And this was one of her crazy ideas, one of those many things I had no idea of where she got from.

One day while sitting by a river in front of my house, a lizard passed by. And she shouted, “I want to be pretty!” I looked at her face confusedly.

She said, “Say your wishes to a lizard passing you by.” She said people had told her so, and what you have wished may come true. Whether it was true or not, I started to follow her advice since then, and thought so much about what I wanted to wish for, so each time I would see a lizard, I could say my wishes immediately, before the lizard gone.

My very first wish to a lizard was “I want to be pretty,” exactly the same as Tinuk’s. And the second was “I want to be a genius.” And the last and mostly forgotten, “I want to be rich.”

It has been almost two decades I’ve been following Tinuk’s advice for wishing on a lizard. Though I gradually stop doing it since a few years ago, sometimes though, when I see a lizard with an amazing skin passing me by and lingers for a while, I still do it.

Tinuk might have always been a pretty girl, marrying a wealthy man with respectable career, owns a house and a cute baby girl, the things she might have wished on lizards passed by her. She might had not been one of the best students when she graduated from university, and might have not been in a manager position of her career, but perhaps, these were not the things she wished for.

These lizards might have heard my wishes and granted my first and second wishes, as I never had problem with weight or hair—only some pimples that I can get rid off after I see a beautician :D and that I haven’t had such a real hard time in college. However, as I always forgot to say the third wish, it seemed that the lizards always forgot to grant it as well, as I see myself still have to be careful with my expenses, and keep wondering how to make more money.

Anyway…such a naïve little girl hardly knows really well what she has to wish for. Wish I knew it better, I would have wished not only for such physical things like beauty, brain, and money. I would have wished for a peaceful world, an eternal cease of wars (political, ethnic or civil wars), an absence of terrorism and the insane doctrines of the religious terrorists, and… the most important of all for me and my people, that is the real improvements in my own country, nation and people—wise decisions I need to hear from the government, a change on the mindset of the people, a stability of prices (at least, only a slight increase), zero corruption, getting free of debts, and free access to or low fares for human basic needs—health, education, transportation.

Now I’ve realized these things, and I don’t think lizards can do anything with them. These take an awareness, a leader, and later, a nation, before they will take the world. They take me, and any individual to start with.

An Empty Can

click it for a larger image

This is a picture of an empty can, I took in the city park. MY city park.

Let's take a look.

An | empty | can

[undefined article] - [adjective] - [noun]

An / empty can --> empty / can

Thus, we get the noun, or the root of the sentence: CAN.

What does a CAN contain?

A can contains:
1. Milk.
2. Water.
3. Snack.
4. Meal.
etc.

It means, a LOADED CAN can be either in / on /at these places:

1. Refrigerator
2. Dining table
3. Cupboard
4. Anywhere you can get "drink" or "food".

And, an EMPTY CAN should be found in a DUSTBIN.

Then what could have happened to an empty can on the pathway of a city park?

It has been thrown.

I've been wondering how could have an empty can been thrown onto a place where it shouldn't have been. Not into a dustbin, not into a recycling machine, but on a city park's pathway. The task of throwing an empty can into a dustbin shouldn't be that difficult, unless the dustbin or the GARBAGE CAN is 200 miles away. But this was a city park, where garbage cans were found every 20 meters. Stepping towards one wouldn't have cost a thing: not a penny, not a sweat, not a single blood. But this stupid geek didn't know that. After I took this picture, my friend, Popin, picked it and walked just ten steps and threw it into a HUGE garbage can.

I wish this moron who has thrown an empty can carelessly on the city park's pathway were the last moron in the universe. I wish.

The Art Of Losing

Losing is definitely something not nice to experience (for sure!), but, everyone has at least an experience of losing. We might not realize but, maybe, once we go through it, it's only a verse of our book of life.


Last week, as American Idol reran the entire Season 7 in a "season marathon", Ryan Seacrest mentioned about "the harsh of rejection". It was about losing a chance. Later, Mariah Carey sang Bye Bye on stage and I fell in love with the song right away. This song was about "losing".


Today, I found in Melissa Bank's Girls' Guide To Hunting And Fishing, a best seller chick lit, a quote from Elizabeth Bishop's One Art. I knew this poetry but never really thought of it, but today, I thought, losing is something unavoidable in life.


However, it is not what Elizabeth Bishop wanted to tell us about the art of losing. It is that we should learn to accept "losing".

One Art
by Elizabeth Bishop

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
So many things seem filled with the intent to be lost
that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day.
Accept the fluster of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant to travel.
None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch.
And look!
My last,
or next-to-last,
of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones.
And, vaster, some realms I owned,
two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture I love)
I shan't have lied.
It's evident the art of losing's not too hard to master
Though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

From The Complete Poems 1927-1979 by Elizabeth Bishop, published by Farrar, Straus & Giroux, Inc. Copyright © 1979, 1983 by Alice Helen Methfessel. Used with permission of Farrar, Straus & Giroux, LLC. All rights reserved.

CAUTION: Users are warned that this work is protected under copyright laws and downloading is strictly prohibited. The right to reproduce or transfer the work via any medium must be secured with Farrar, Straus, & Giroux, LLC.

(Well...This is a "copy-and-paste" business, so, with all respect, I guess I better copy and paste the source and whatever prohibition it may contain.)

Mariah's version of "losing" is probably more "hip" than Elizabeth Bishop's, as heard in her Bye Bye lyrics. Nevertheless, it touches my heart that some of its contain speak what I always want to speak to my late dad.

Bye Bye
by Mariah Carey


This is for my peoples
Who just lost somebody
Your best friend, your baby
Your man or your lady
Put your hand way up high
We will never say bye
No, no, no

Mamas, daddies, sisters, brothers
Friends and cousins
This is for my peoples
Who lost their grandmothers
Lift your head to the sky
Cause we will never say bye

As a child there were them times
I didn't get it
But you kept me in line
I didn't know why
You didn't show up sometimes
On Sunday mornings and I missed you
But I'm glad we talked through

All them grown folk things
Separation brings
You never let me know it
You never let it show
Because you loved me and obviously
There's so much more left to say
If you were with me today
Face to face

I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on
I wish I could talk to you for a while
Miss you but I try not to cry
As time goes by

And it's true that you've
reached a better place
Still I'd give the world to see your face
and be right here next to you
But it's like you're gone too soon
Now the hardest thing to do is say

Bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye

You never got a chance to see
How good I've done
And you never got to
see me back at number one
I wish that you were here
to celebrate together
I wish that we could
spend the holidays together

I remember when you used to
tuck me in at night
With the teddy bear you gave me
that I held so tight
I thought you were so strong
You'd make it through whatever
It's so hard to accept the fact
you're gone forever

I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on
I wish I could talk to you for a while
Miss you but I try not to cry
As time goes by

And it's true that you've
reached a better place
Still I'd give the world to see your face
And be right here next to you
But it's like you're gone too soon
Now the hardest thing to do is say

Bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye

True, I wish I've spent more time with my dad before he left me forever. I never thought that I could miss him so much. I thought he would be here forever for me.

Questions I'd Like To Ask

If there are questions I can ask...

Why should I met a man whom I could not be with?

Why should he have all the things I had been looking for?

He had brighten up my days,

He has painted my nights,

I had to do nothing to please him. Just be there, talked to him.

Why could we not just be friends, even though we had worked hard to be?

We cared about each other more than the way two friends supposed to care about.

We missed each other more than the way two friends supposed to miss.

We wanted each other more than the way two friends supposed to want.

But once, we had to pause and look at what we had done.

We shouldn't have been with each other, the way we have been.

We had made things complicated.

Simply by caring about each other.

I might probably had made things complicated.

Simply by showing up in his life,

When he should have been with the one he was supposed to be with.

Another question I'd like to ask...

Why can I not be a selfish?

When I should have been one.

To fight my own need.

To should not give up and let things go.

And, the last question I'd like to ask...

Why was time not on my side?

Once In My Life

Once in my life…

I got so much.

I saw a firing. I typed the letters. The firing letters. With all thanks and appreciations to the salespeople. With all regrets that the company should reduce the overhead cost, they could only keep the crucial ones.

It hurt me to type their names. It hurt me to call them one by one. It hurt me to spend my last lunchtime with them. It hurt me to recall the moments I have shared with them.

It was bitter. But they said it was something normal. Normal thing to happen at work. In profit-oriented companies. In sales world. But it hurts me. It hurts me to accept the fact.

I gave my hugs to them. But I guess hugs weren’t enough.

Then, I had an accident. My feet were burnt. I was careless. I couldn’t go to work. I stayed home, in pain. I shed a tear. Regretting the stupid mistake I have made. But did I learn something. I learned to be more careful.

Later, I had to put aside something precious. It's probably called "my happiness".

I had to learn to have a bigger heart. I had to learn this lyric of a song, “I know they say if you love somebody, you should set them free. Sure it’s hard to do.” Ronan Keating sings it perfectly, with his perfect voice.

We cried a lot. But it hurt me more that he cried.

That he said he cared about me, I've heard that from so many men. That he said he didn't want to lose me, neither did I. That he asked me to remain a good friend of his, he didn't have to ask. That he said he was thankful that I have stolen his heart, so was I. But one thing he didn't know, he has filled up a tiny piece of space in my heart with sunshine. A space where you put all your hopes and faiths and sacrifices in. Not with his beauty. Not with the moment he had shared with me. It was with him making me smile and feel precious.

Now I can’t imagine how would my days and nights be without him. Even now I’ve already felt a half of my soul fades. A bitter thing I learn as I grow up, I have learned not to be selfish. I’m not an angel, who can let it go easily. But sometimes in life I can’t be a total devil. And this time I shouldn’t be. I can’t always have what I want.

Once again, I shed another liter of tears.

Once in my life, I got too much. And I hope I got no more.

To Joe-chan.