Questions I'd Like To Ask

If there are questions I can ask...

Why should I met a man whom I could not be with?

Why should he have all the things I had been looking for?

He had brighten up my days,

He has painted my nights,

I had to do nothing to please him. Just be there, talked to him.

Why could we not just be friends, even though we had worked hard to be?

We cared about each other more than the way two friends supposed to care about.

We missed each other more than the way two friends supposed to miss.

We wanted each other more than the way two friends supposed to want.

But once, we had to pause and look at what we had done.

We shouldn't have been with each other, the way we have been.

We had made things complicated.

Simply by caring about each other.

I might probably had made things complicated.

Simply by showing up in his life,

When he should have been with the one he was supposed to be with.

Another question I'd like to ask...

Why can I not be a selfish?

When I should have been one.

To fight my own need.

To should not give up and let things go.

And, the last question I'd like to ask...

Why was time not on my side?

Once In My Life

Once in my life…

I got so much.

I saw a firing. I typed the letters. The firing letters. With all thanks and appreciations to the salespeople. With all regrets that the company should reduce the overhead cost, they could only keep the crucial ones.

It hurt me to type their names. It hurt me to call them one by one. It hurt me to spend my last lunchtime with them. It hurt me to recall the moments I have shared with them.

It was bitter. But they said it was something normal. Normal thing to happen at work. In profit-oriented companies. In sales world. But it hurts me. It hurts me to accept the fact.

I gave my hugs to them. But I guess hugs weren’t enough.

Then, I had an accident. My feet were burnt. I was careless. I couldn’t go to work. I stayed home, in pain. I shed a tear. Regretting the stupid mistake I have made. But did I learn something. I learned to be more careful.

Later, I had to put aside something precious. It's probably called "my happiness".

I had to learn to have a bigger heart. I had to learn this lyric of a song, “I know they say if you love somebody, you should set them free. Sure it’s hard to do.” Ronan Keating sings it perfectly, with his perfect voice.

We cried a lot. But it hurt me more that he cried.

That he said he cared about me, I've heard that from so many men. That he said he didn't want to lose me, neither did I. That he asked me to remain a good friend of his, he didn't have to ask. That he said he was thankful that I have stolen his heart, so was I. But one thing he didn't know, he has filled up a tiny piece of space in my heart with sunshine. A space where you put all your hopes and faiths and sacrifices in. Not with his beauty. Not with the moment he had shared with me. It was with him making me smile and feel precious.

Now I can’t imagine how would my days and nights be without him. Even now I’ve already felt a half of my soul fades. A bitter thing I learn as I grow up, I have learned not to be selfish. I’m not an angel, who can let it go easily. But sometimes in life I can’t be a total devil. And this time I shouldn’t be. I can’t always have what I want.

Once again, I shed another liter of tears.

Once in my life, I got too much. And I hope I got no more.

To Joe-chan.